Hasan On The Looming Recession | Deep Cuts | Patriot Act with Hasan Minhaj

Hasan On The Looming Recession | Deep Cuts | Patriot Act with Hasan Minhaj


“Growing up polite, what helped you to adapt to
the gruffness of New York?” This is from Hannah. I love how like Hannah’s
just like, “You’re polite. And you were always polite.” How do you know I was
polite growing up? You don’t know me, Hannah. I coulda been a badass. Alright, “your house containing everything
you own catches fire. After saving your
loved ones and pets–” You know I don’t have pets. “–you have time to
safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be and why?”
This is from Nicole. What’s your item? What’s yours? Your iPhone? Before the loved ones? Like you ditch him,
you’re just like, “Where’s my iPhone X?!” What if he was blocking it? You’d push him into the flame –
No, no, no. Don’t, don’t. Commit, commit. Be like,
“I’d push you in the flames.” You’re like, “I don’t have
AppleCare, you gotta go.” “It doesn’t cover fires,”
and you box his ass out. You go “boom!” and he
goes into the flames. He’s like, “Why are
you doing this?” I’d do my Skechers Shape-Ups. I’m joking! The way you were like,
“Oh, cool yeah.” You know what would suck? What’d end up happening is you’d
grab the first thing you see. And so like, I’d
probably run back— it would suck, it’d be like
a Wall Street Journal from four days ago. Like, “I gotta get something, ah, the Wall Street Journal
from last Thursday!” Or like you go, you go like— You grab DVDs you’re like, “I got two copies of
Fight Club, why?” “Why do I have an extra copy?” What would you—
what would you save? Passport? You’re that pragmatic? You’re like, “Real talk,
the first thing I would do, all my taxes for
the last five years. That’s what I would get.” No, but you wouldn’t do it. Like we’re saying it now while
it’s air conditioned and everything’s temperate. I believe you, you’d
get your passport. Were you like, “I got
to because of this?” Oh shit, yeah you got to. Yeah, you got to. Shit is real right now, Luis. “Is movie theatre popcorn the biggest boondoggle
you’ve paid for?” You think movie theatre
popcorn’s overrated? Do you still—
Do you still get it? Really? You’ve completely opted out? Nachos? Dude you’re— With jalapeños? That’s
actually really good, yeah. Are you a— Are you a
complete psychopath? Do you do hot dogs? You don’t do hot
dogs at the movies— Don’t tell me you do hot
dogs at the movie theatre, don’t do that! Yeah. Popcorn’s
super expensive. But I do get it. And I wolf it down. But it is a boondoggle.
It’s very expensive. Also, why is it $7.00
for a small, but then $7.25 for a medium? That’s not right.
That’s not right. Jennie, do you do
popcorn every meal? I mean not meal. Do you do popcorn
every movie? Breakfast, lunch –
You hit all three. Do you get it? No? True. True. But now— But don’t you feel
like when we become adults you’re like, “I wanna
pay with my…” It doesn’t go—
You don’t lose it? Really? So what
do you sneak in? “When you could make it
at home and sneak it in.” Yeah? So what do you bring in? Really? So it’s like super, the– You hit them with chutney
too– you got sauce too? How do you do the
sauce in the dark? I respect that, but
that’s like a lot of– What’s chakri? Oh, oh! You’re talking about,
like, the stuff that’s the Cheetos for Indian
people, right? Yeah. I eat— Like, the problem
is when I do get it, I eat it so fast, like, by the time previews
are done it’s over. And it’s supposed to last
you the whole movie, so. “Will the looming recession be worse than
the last?” Nicole. Alright. Man, you guys like,
you guys really think I— I have all the answers here. This is another Nicole,
which Nicole is this? Is it a different Nicole? Damn, you’re gonna
miss out on all this great financial advice. You know what always
terrifies me about the— about, like, just the news
headlines that you read? It’s always about
the impending doom. That’s what makes me always sorta like,
just get scared. I’m like, just tell me
what’s gonna happen. It’s like, “Stock market
growth slows. Impending recession
about to happen. What are you gonna do?” And I’m like, “I don’t
I don’t know, when is it gonna happen?” It’s always the shitty thing
that’s about to happen that I’m scared about. They would— That’s what they
want us to believe? Are you the aliens dude? There was an aliens dude who
came to one of the tapings. Do you know something
I don’t— like are you like— Do you work at the Fed
or something like that? What do you think? You
think it’s not gonna happen? Wow that’s, like, super zen. Is that— Is that honestly
your attitude, you’re like it’s just
out of your hands? Bro… Why’d you— You came in— it was like, this like
profound wisdom. It came from the
back of the room with like an Indian
accent so it was like, “maybe he’s a guru,
maybe he knows.” Did you see the way everyone
listened? Everyone leaned in. We’re like, “he’s a
financial expert.” You can’t flip flop, you shoulda committed
the whole way through. You wanna know why it’s,
it’s panic inducing, especially for our generation? We know when
everything is coming. Like Uber, Prime Now, Seamless. Right? We’ll be like, “Where is Gustavo? He was supposed to be
here six minutes ago.” Like we get so mad. Now we don’t know.
That’s the thing, it’s just like, it could
happen, it’s going to happen, we just don’t know when. Don’t stress out? Sure. “Ten years from now, what would you like to be
remembered about you?” Wait. Wait, like, do you guys know
something I don’t know? This is from— I’d like
to be alive, like what? “When you die, what do
you want people to – It’ll happen within
the next ten years. Sometime between now and
the recession, you will die. So how would you like
to be remembered?” Were you guys keeping up with
what went on at the G-7? Um, so here’s the question. “If G-7 countries pledged $22 million to
stop Amazon fires, do you think they could’ve
put up more money?” Yes! That’s not a lot! They only put up $20
million— this is like, the seven wealthiest
countries in the world. And they’re just like,
“Yeah it’s $20 mil.” That’s like, a day of work for Jeff Bezos. You know who should
pay for the Amazon fires? Amazon. That’s my thing, I’m like – Think about– Think
about all the boxes. At some point in the supply
chain that came from the Amazon rainforest. Do you guys know— Do you know what’s
fucked up, Eddie? I just think it’s really
messed up that they still call the
tablets “Amazon Fire.” That’s wrong! It’s just like, “Babe have
you seen my Amazon Fire?” You’re like, “Too soon.” Just, all I’m saying is this. To any company out there,
you gotta play it safe. You cannot name your
product after a disaster. You cannot have
the “Kia Tsunami.” Like, it’s not an option. Leo pledged $5 million,
did you guys know that? Leonardo DiCap— “Who?!” Leonar— The Leo. Leonardo DiCaprio pledged
$5 million to the Amazon fires. Yeah. So all he has to do is
just get three other super big
Hollywood superstars to put up the money and
they’ll have matched the G-7. So what I’m trying
to say is Ray Romano, step up right now. Match that $5 mil. Match that $5 mil, Ray. Jason Statham, you got it. Mel Gibson, you owe people. “If your daughter asks for
a dog when she is older, what will you say?” You’ll like this response. The best pets are books. Indian dad, son! Nah. That’s what I’m goin’ with. Did I make you proud? There it is. Alright. Thank you guys so much,
this was so fun, goodnight.

62 thoughts on “Hasan On The Looming Recession | Deep Cuts | Patriot Act with Hasan Minhaj

  1. I like how Hasan always deflects the questions to the audience and never really answers them. lol
    Just an observation. Love the show, Deep Cuts is the best part

  2. €1billion was raised for Norte dame just a building standing somewhere ( no offence to the French and Europeans in general ) but countries can't pledge to save the rain forest?..i call this BS a misplaced priority…

  3. I went to go see Jurassic World: FK with my dad and my sisters, and I always wear hoodies and bring my purse to sneak in snacks. My sister, with her small-ass purse, brought a Tupperware of tandoori chicken and rice and we shared it.

  4. Donation to Amazon rainforest
    At g7
    Canada: We pledge 20 million CAD
    G5 be like (make this in to 20 million USD)
    America be like (let's build a trump tower)and trump be like let's nuke amazon

  5. I did the math a couple years ago: if you go to the movies at least five times a year, it's more cost-effective to buy the annual popcorn bucket ($20 with $5 refills). And don't sleep on the pretzel nuggets! Those things are delicious.

  6. they price hte popcorn together so essentially almost all people buy hte largest size. Instad of going like 2, 5, 7, if they go 6, 6.50, 7 almost everyone will just pay 7.

  7. Nahhhh Hasan does popcorn right! You get a large- you scarf it. Then you go get your free refill and then you eat it slower for the movie or you watch the movie without it and pay attention and then get your free refill on your way out.

  8. Yes, I would be that pragmatic. I lived in Battery Park City during the World Trade Center attack and when we were evacuating our apartment, I grabbed my passport, 2 utility bills to prove I lived in Battery Park (I'd moved in at the end of August 2001, so my Driver's License didn't reflect the new address), and ensured I grabbed both cash and credit cards, along with a few pieces of clothing. My boyfriend ran around in a panic and I had to grab him and tell him exactly what to do.

    Pragmatism isn't natural to everyone, but it saves on a lot of headaches down the line. When we were faced with National Guards checking our credentials when we went back to our apartment on 9/16/2001, we had our passports, licenses AND our utility bills. They let us through, but they were blocking those residents who had no ID that proved they resided in Battery Park.

  9. who is this person reinforcing shitty Indian stereotypes… if you take food illegally to the movies and you know people who do too… say that you folks do. You do not speak for the country and its people.

  10. Do an episode on Qatar World Cup 2022. I know you wont do as you said once you are paid by Qatar on the Indian Election video. Still would love to see one.

  11. Ten years…Apophis will either be guided by a man sent probe to hit Earth in 2029 and/or the New World Order will use kinetic energy weapons to make it look like it and/or other asteroids hit Earth. Most of the population of Earth will be intentionally culled.

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