– What the–
– Kristen is stable. – Can I roll for a nat
20 and then be alive? (cast laughing) – Uh, sure. Go for it.
(soaring violin music) – This is to the corn god.
– Helio. (Emily laughing) – I know I left for a while, but… (dice clacking) – Nat 20!
(cast yelling) Mother (beep)! (magical soaring) (marching band music)
(owlbear roaring) (cast laughing)
– What a great ask. – Thank you. – Praise be!
– Helio! – To the corn god. – I believed in you in the beginning… (overlapping chatter)
– Helio! – You have to rip up your “Comparative World
Religions” book now. – Please heal me! – I’m going to take a
break from this combat to narrate what happens. (Ally laughing) I’ve never seen something more- – That’s insane. – What the (beeping)?
(cast laughing) – Hey, it’s a god thing. Wink!
(cast laughing) – Speaking of god things. You are bleeding out on the balustrade up above.
– Have been for a while. – Have been for a while. Uh, Kristen. You appear at the corny gates.
– They’re corny gates! (choral music)
The corny (beeping) gates. – You see that the gates open before you as you stay here on the verge of death. You walk into the heavenly heights. As you’re walking, you see happy people, angels flying around, you see one. There’s a young, beautiful woman, this little sort of weird 1960s vibe, like, midriff sweater, beehive hair, little long cigarette. Beautiful, red hair. Smoking up a storm,
surrounded by men, women, flirting with them all. You see she’s going, (inhaling) oh, I love it here! It’s wonderful up here, it’s wonderful. You see that she looks over at you and says, Kristen? – Yeah? – It’s me. Doreen!
– Oh my God! (Emily gasping)
Doreen! – Yeah! Why would you be old in heaven? I’m young and hot again.
– I dunno, yeah. You are, yeah, you’re really, yeah, you look cool.
(Brennan coughing) – Yes.
– You look cool as (beeping). – It’s great here.
– Yeah, cool. – Hey, funny story. I haven’t seen Helio
around in a little while. Oh, can you tell that young woman Adaine, all that stuff I said when I was dying, I was just mad.
– Oh, um… – I got up here and
immediately forgot about it. I lived a good life.
– I think I’m dead, actually. I think I’m up here for good.
– Bummer. I’m sorry to hear that.
– Yeah, but it’s okay. – Sol wanted to see you. – Oh, cool. Let’s see. Is he in, like, a beer pong room? Or is he, like, (beeping)? – Not Helio, he’s in the beer pong room. – Yeah, yeah, I just figured– – The father.
– Sol was kinda similar. – He’s in his office. He hasn’t had anyone in in a while. The angels are all
starting to get worried. He’s been very secretive since, you know. The thing happened with you coming here. – Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, I’ll go see him.
(choral music) – What’s Kristen’s feeling as she’s walking through
the heavenly heights? – (beeping) Over it! How’s any of this real? How did I end up here again? I did a lot more research. – You walk up. You see a bunch of
angels look and they say, oh, you have leave to enter this place. Sol has not seen fit to allow us entry in some time. He wishes to speak to a mortal only. Enter, but please be kind to him. He is our creator.
– Yeah, yeah. Sorry, I’ve kinda got a
chip on my shoulder lately, but yeah, of course. – You enter the room. You close the door behind you. You look over, and the
first thing you notice is a pair of feet with sandals sticking out from behind a desk, and you turn your head to look, and you see a long-beareded,
white-robed god with sun unconscious on the ground, and you see standing on the desk with no pants and just boxers and a shirt with a crazy tie is Arthur Aguefort, who is like, (gasps) Kristen! Thank goodness you’re here, just in time! – Did you kill god? – No, no, I think he’s just unconscious. I don’t know if you can kill a god. The only way you can kill a god is to kill all of their followers in the prime material plain. Ah, yes, good, magic’s at work here. – What is going on? Why are you dressed like a weird stripper? – What?
– Why are you… – It was too hot in here. He’s the sun! Had to take my pants off, I was sweating. – Why would you start with your pants? That’s crazy. – I shed heat through my legs mostly. – Okay, okay, yeah. All right, cool.
– All right. Ah, my darling girl, you’re here. Did it all work? Everything worked out? My mind, they were poisoning it. My body was a prison, so I had to kill myself
to regain my intellect and now I’ve made the god
of the sun unconscious, and I’ve been running
heaven behind their back. No-one knows I’m in here! The angels all think that
their god is still around. I’ve been, it’s been quite (sniffing) some time but you have to understand-
– Okay, yeah. See, that’s the moment
that I remember, okay. There are anti-psychotic
drugs that are so good. It’s like, you don’t even realize when you’re going into an episode, it just smooths your whole life out. – And, uh.
– My darling girl. Recreation is the highest
form of self-medication and I have realized long ago that the heart and soul of
magic is having a good time. – Oh. So, you’re a god now? – Barely. But, there is business. Goldenhoard is Kalvaxus! – I know, we know that. He just killed me. – Oh, no.
– Yeah. – We have not much time. Listen, all right. I’m going to clean up around
here a little bit more. I’ve been (beeping) in the corner for a long time.
– Jesus Christ. – I’ve been holed up
in here for quite some, you know, a while. So, what you need to do is this. There’s a door past here. It is a door to the void.
– Okay. – The source of all divine energy. You understand that
Sol is one god of many. – Oh, cool, I always thought that. – All gods gain their power
from beyond that door. And you see a door at
the end of a staircase. The door is not gleaming and golden. It is shifting, gray,
with a cool energy to it. – The void.
– You see, he says, if you wish for answers, that is where the gods go for theirs. – Okay, cool. – You walk into the door. You walk into endless inky void. It’s not scary, like being
in space or anything. It’s not scary, like it’s gonna
consume you, the darkness. It feels warm. It feels like the darkness
at the beginning of things. Doesn’t feel like an end. It feels like endless potential. You hear a soft voice speaking to you from
all around, and it says, you’ve been asking a
question for quite some time. Would you like to ask it here? What is your question? – Why? And who? (cast laughing) – Who is easy. It is us, everything, and you. Why is harder. Why is something that only you can decide. The universe doesn’t have a why. – Okay, cool. Can I have sex with whoever I want? (Lou snorting)
(cast laughing) – From the smallest atom of creation, – Hot. – To the greatest stars in the sky, spinning galaxies and particles so small that they are beyond imagination. (Ally mumbling) None of that gives a (beeping)
about who you (beeping). – Good. (laughing) – As long as you’re (beeping)
people who are into it. – Cool.
(choral music) This is all great news.
– You see that it says, it says, the first rule of existence is as above, so below. People are fractal images of the universe. You are, as we are. Bad things happen to good people because things happen all the time, and it is up to people to determine whether they are bad or good. In the same way that your heart
feels and your mind thinks, you mortal beings are the instrument by which the universe cares. – Cool.
– If you choose to care, then the universe cares. And if you don’t, then it doesn’t. – Cool, I care. (sparkling)
– As you say, “I care,” your heart glows with incredible power. A deep red and pink and then purple is expanding out through the void. You see that the void, you can feel warmth and happiness from your choice to care. If you care, we care. Kristen, what is a god
worthy of your worship? – Just, an enthusiastic yes with an exclamation point
floating in the sky. (resonating boom)
– Boom! A giant three-dimensional block letters Yes! With an exclamation mark
appears in front of you. You see it says yes, Kristen, yes! I am so happy to be the object of your worship. – Dope.
– I care so much about you, and about the
things you care about. And if you want spells, and
you wanna spread the gospel, and you wanna teach people about how easy it is to care and be kind and take care of people
then I’m here to help. – Cool.
(resonating boom) – You appear back at the staircase. – Dope.
(Ally clapping) – Arthur Aguefort says, how did it go in there? – It was interesting. Now I have a really
enthusiastic god that I praise. Who’s kinda like the person
you invite to the party and then 10 minutes in you’re like, oh, this is gonna take
a lot of mental energy. (cast laughing)
– You’ve created a new deity and already you’re fed up with it. I would say that’s par for the course. Now, I’m gonna kick this door down and shoot all of these angels in the head. We’re gonna run for the exit, right? – No, what? This is you hopping in my backpack again. – All right, what’s that? – When you hopped in my backpack you just went, shh! Oh, but–
– Ooh, very clever! He crawls into your backpack.
– No, no, I didn’t–! – He says, all right, get out of here. If you stop walking, I’m gonna jump out and start shooting. – Okay. I just keep walking. – You walk to the gates, you get there. You see that the guardian
angel at the gate says, I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re able to… You see Arthur reaches out and goes, (gunshot sounding)
and just, in the shoulder. And he says run! It’s all right, it’s just a wound! Just an injury! What do you do?
– I sprint! I sprint out of there. – You sprint, leap.
(whooshing) You start descending back to the world. You see the gym appearing before you. You see that Arthur goes, now, I’m going to be occupied
the moment we arrive. He starts putting his pants
back on and doing his tie and getting his umbrella. I will be occupied the moment
that we arrive back there. Listen to me, remember. You have all the time you need, all right? We can save your friends. Remember, Kristen. The greatest magic of all. Do you remember? – Is friendship? – What the (beeping) is wrong with you? – The greatest magic of all. This winter at Disneyland–
– Friendship? (cast laughing)
Are you… are you…? – No, no!
– Friendship? Friends die all the time! What insane–
– The greatest magic of all is the devil making us
believe he doesn’t exist. – No, that’s a saying! Listen to me.
– Oh, (beeping)! – Friendship, (beeping). All this, love is the
greatest magic of all. So, in a war, and a
mother and her children get (beeping) iced in an alleyway outside of their home, was the problem that they
didn’t love each other enough? That’s crazy, Kristen.
– Well, how do you know? – That’s crazy, love is not magic. Magic is magic, love is love. – Okay, what’s the answer, cokehead? – Chronomancy, as I
said at your first day. The greatest magic of all is chronomancy. Around your neck, by your dog-tags. – Uh-huh?
– My watch. – Cool. – Boom!
(loud crashing) You guys land back where you are. (Brendan humming) Arthur Aguefort appears
on the battlefield. – [Siobhan] Oh, (beeping)! He’s back, (beeping)!
– Back! He appears, you see he goes– – Is Arthur Aguefort black? – Yeah!
– Hell yes. (cast laughing) – You see that Aguefort lands.
(cast laughing) – In a suit!
– Yeah, my brother! (cast laughing)
(beeping) – Arthur Aguefort says,
the watch, Kristen! He looks over at Kalvaxus and goes, ha, Kalvaxus, I see you. You see that Mr. Gibbons
appears out of nowhere. He goes, powerful feelings. Leaps into Aguefort’s throat, and you see that Aguefort goes, (gasping) Mr. Gibbons, see reason! (punching smack)
Clocks himself in the face. Kristen, it is your turn. You are holding the watch. (clicking) (mechanical whirring)
(Brennan humming) Please select how many people you would
like to bring with you into this suspended
chronological animation and for how many hours? Kindly select a number between one and 12. – I pick the party.
– And Dad. – My other five people. What?
– And my Daddy. – Oh, yeah, and Gorthalax the Insatiable. – Sklonda.
– And Sklonda. And all of the police
force, if they ever show up. – I don’t, unless you
can name police members, I don’t think the watch
is going to accept it. – Sklonda, and then who’s the– – You can leave Gilear out of it. – Who’s the (beeping)? Never mind.
– Sklonda, Gorthalax. You and the party.
– Yeah. – Cool.
– And that’s it. – Uh, cool.
– What about Aguefort? Arthur Aguefort?
– And Aguefort. Well, Aguefort is being possessed. Does he wanna be awake?
– You don’t know. He could possibly kill himself if he’s just allowed to possess himself. – He’s punching himself. I leave him out. – Here’s a question. Should you leave me out? Will she still have a chance to heal? ‘Cos I’ll die if it comes back to my turn. I can almost guarantee it. – You’re the only one who can call police. I think I can get to you.
– No. I think I was just rolling for their turn, for them to eventually come. Will she have a chance
to heal or do anything? – She will have a bonus action– – Okay. – To throw a Healing Word to you. – Dope.
– Okay, yeah, okay. So, that’s what I do.
(clicking) – Then don’t cryogenically freeze me. – You name those people. Gorthalax looks around, very surprised. You see–
– Oh, sorry! And Jawbone.
(Brian laughing) – Right under the wire, Miss Applebees! You see time stops.
(electronic whooshing) You Healing Word Riz,
(light magical twinkling) and you see that Kalvaxus,
(roaring) stops. All of your friends are
bleeding on the ground. You Healing Word everybody. Arthur Aguefort is frozen. Gorthalax looks around. (laughing) Jawbone…
– I’m also out. Oh, 10?
– 10 for everyone. – 10 for everyone.
– Thank you. – Jawbone is way in the
back of Goldenhoard’s mouth, and you got him right when
his mouth was mostly closed, so you see Jawbone kind of
waves out from through the teeth going, hey gang! I’m mostly, I’m just sorta in here. I don’t know exactly what’s going on. – Do you need help getting out? – You see he starts clawing inside, and he’s like, now this time doodad. It’s not like, I can’t
really do damage right now. (sighing) I’m good. – Do you want some food?
– Yeah, if you wanna go get like a burger, or a shake, or… No, ‘cos you did a time ding-dang, right? So that’s–
– We could just go take them. – We’re gonna throw some
bombs down his throat. Could you, like, move out
of the way a little bit? – It’s fire damage, though. – Is it?
– Yeah. – I’ve got my, I mean. If we’ve got all the time in the world. – Yeah.
– Can we damage him if he’s stuck in time? – You cannot damage him
as he’s stuck in time. What you guys can do is take a long rest. (cast laughing) – What?
– Yeah, I’ll pick 12 hours? – Crazy!
– You picked 12 hours, right? – God.
– You guys– – I just pull up a sleeping bag. – You see that Gorthalax says, this feels a little weird, right? – I say, Dad, you know. That’s what happens when you
hang out with my friends. – Hey, you know, it’s kinda
like a lock-in, right? – It is like a lock-in! I was gonna say the same thing, Gorthalax! – So, you’re just staying here with the (beeping) end of
the world in front of you, and he’s like, ah, okay. Let’s, you know what. Why don’t we go pitch
a tent out in the yard? I don’t feel great. Just creepy to sleep right
next to the dude, you know? – I wanna sleep between his legs. – Is Ragh alive?
– You go over to Ragh. Ragh is stable, but he’s out of time.
– Oh, okay. – I’ll Healing Word him.
– Don’t use a spell, I’ll just bring him up to one with my kit. – No, but we’re about to sleep. – You can bring him up to
one with your kit, cool. – Great, I’ll just bring him up to one. – Can I pull sandwiches for everybody out of my jacket? And then I’ll Mage Hand one up to Jawbone? – So, in the middle of the most (Brennan imitating drums)
(intense music) the battle of all time, a (beeping) new deity is created, Arthur Aguefort is back, the wizard of the (beeping) academy, five minutes after that, you guys are all sitting on a step outside just kinda eating sandwiches.
– Oh, no. Me, Gorthalax and Gorgug are actually, we’re jamming.
(cast laughing) (Brennan imitating guitar) – We have 12 hours, right? I wanna get eight hours,
but I wanna just practice. – Well, we’re gonna
jam for for four hours. – I can change my… – You can change your spells prepared. – Great.
– Hell yeah. – I’d like to go and just (beeping) stab Dayne in
the chest a bunch of times. – The time stops your thing at his– (bumping against glass)
Dink, dink, dink. – I wish I could just go, like, ugh! – Can I put on Penelope’s crown? – Yes, you can.
– Can we sleep? A long rest, but wake up with enough time to prepare actions before
we’re back in full battle. – Yeah, you guys get 12 hours.
– Hell yeah. – Sandwiches and jam
probably takes like, what? 45 minutes, an hour? So, you guys are just kind of kicking it. After–
– Does my mom show up? – Yeah, literally about 10 minutes after you guys have eaten sandwiches, you see your mom very carefully sneaks up, and she looks at you and goes, Riz, the whole world has become insane. – Yeah, that’s ‘cos of us. – What the (beeping) do they
teach you at this school? – Are you talking about
the time thing, or the…? – Yeah, Gorgug, the time thing! – Your car probably just stopped with all of your friends still– – I had to pull the seat in the back down and kick the tail lights
out to squeeze through. What’s happening?
– So, Gorthalax, or not Gorthalax–
– I created a new god. – Well, that’s just
complicated and not necessary. – Oh, sorry.
– What’s the dragon’s name? – It’s an enthusiastic yes. – Guys, what’s the dragon’s name? – Kalvaxus.
– Oh, that. – Kalvaxus is here, he’s a giant dragon. – He was our principal.
– We do have a time watch that can stop it for 12 hours, so we’re taking a quick, taking a T. – Detective Sklonda Gukgak.
– What’s up? – What’s up, mom?
– Oh, cute! – [Emily] Sklonda! – You guys all sleep. You see your mom goes, sitting there. So there’s a moment where it’s just, you guys jam for a while. While you guys are
jamming, you’re like going, Gorthalax is going, man, all right. Well, I think we can take him. I feel good. You feel good?
– Yeah, I feel amped. – All right.
– I’m, like, stretching. (Emily laughing) – Oh, Mom, I think we
should maybe climb up and go stab him in the head, because this is the guy. He ate Dad. He told me he ate Dad. – We’re gonna kill this
(beeping), sweetie. – I was thinking about crawling in there and trying to get out his goblin bones so we can give him a proper burial, but I think that would be (beeping) up, and I’d maybe get eaten
by his stomach acid, so let’s just stab him in the head. – Sweetie.
– Yeah? – We’re going to be the
goblins that killed a dragon. – Hell yeah.
– That’s what we’re gonna be. You know what, we are bad (beeping). We are bad (beeping). You see for a while you guys
are jamming on the stage. You see that Jawbone is just in the mouth going whoo, yeah!
(cast laughing) – I give Jawbone a sandwich. (snarling and growling) – It’s weird. I’m like a mouth in a mouth. – I’ve never seen a wolf eat a sandwich. – You’ve never seen a wolf eat a sandwich? – No! Well, maybe I, actually– – I saw you eat a salad one time. I thought you were more of a salad guy. – I am more of a salad guy, but on a day like this
where you’re fighting, you’re burning a ton of calories, you can kind of eat whatever you want. – Yeah, that’s true. – You see that (laughing)
Gorthalax and Sklonda are kind of hanging outside. Sklonda’s there, can’t believe
what you just told her. Gorthalax looks over at Sklonda. She goes, I can’t believe it. This is this man killed my husband, and I’m gonna kill him with my son. You see Gorthalax looks over and says, oh, I’m sorry that your husband passed. That’s really rough. I’m Gorthalax, I’m Fig’s dad. Everyone here make insight checks. (dice clattering) – Oh my god. – 13. – 6.
– So many dads. – 12.
– 20, not nat 20. – It’s 17. – Riz and Adaine, you guys look over, and Fig as well. You look over and see
Gorthalax and Sklonda share a soft look.
– Oh my god. – Gilear is–
– Cucked again! – Gonna be so humiliated.
– Mom, he’s so enormous! (cast laughing) For goblins! – Okay, you guys sleep. All your hit points are back. It’s a long rest, you
guys re-prepare spells. It’s a brand new day.
– Hell yeah. – I sleep between his legs.
– You sleep between his legs, just for maximum– He’s moving very slowly. (resounding vibrations)
‘Cos you play for a while. – Yeah, I wanna dance in front of him so that he just sees it real quick. – Watches it all happen in fast motion. – Is this weird? Can I get a bunch of ice out of my jacket and ice everybody’s weapons? – Yeah, you can do that.
– Is that nuts? – Make them cold, sure.
– I don’t know if it’ll do anybody any
(beeping) difference. – A wand?
– I do have that wand, but I don’t know if the wand will… I mean, can I… I don’t really know what the wand does, except that it’s–
– The wand is like a cantrip. – It’s a Wand of Ray of Frost. – It’s a Wand of Ray of Frost! – Yeah, it’s a Wand of Ray of Frost. – That’s so funny.
– You guys go ahead and position your characters
wherever you want them. – Okay.
– Yeah. – But if I have the wand, can I do wand and a spell?
– No, it’s an action. – Nah, dang, all right.
– Ah, yep, that’s… – I wanna be within–
– Move over, boys. – Is this within 60 feet of him? – Where are you at? 60 feet. – I would like to be…
– I can scoot over. – Actually, I wanna stand
on this now, as long as it’s more than 50 feet.
– I’m just gonna put myself up here, just to have
my character up there. – I guess I’d like to be on his back. – Dope.
– Off your motorcycle? – Off my motorcycle.
– I guess more like, down on the neck, so
maybe I could possibly try to hide in his spikes.
– Okay. Put the Hangman wherever you want it. – I guess I’ll just do this as a move, but I wanted to cast Spiritual
Weapon on my Book of Helio and hand it to Jawbone
to throw down his throat so that the spiritual
weapon will just be in him, and he’ll take hit points. – He grabs it and there’s… Well, now your spiritual weapon is no longer a cob of corn. Now, it’s a big floating block-letter yes with an exclamation point. – Yeah.
– So 90s. – Just a Buzzfeed symbol.
– Yeah, yeah! – He takes it through the teeth– – Or like Jeb Bush’s!
(cast laughing) – Shoves it down there. – Yeah, it’s basically
Jeb Bush’s campaign. – Excuse me?
– Please clap. (cast laughing) – Wait a minute, I don’t want to do that. – Okay. Cool.
– Oh, wait. I do want to position myself. Can I climb in–
– Can you give us some Bless? – With Jawbone?
– Hm? – Can I climb in with Jawbone? – You can’t get through
the teeth into the mouth. – Okay, I Bless you, your mom and you. – Cool. – Are those the only
people who have vendettas? (cast laughing) – I mean, I think we’re all pretty pissed. – We all kinda have vendettas. – Also, you have the teddy bear, so you can Bless two people if you want. Or, Bless six people.
– You don’t have to Bless my mom.
– I Bless everyone. Everyone’s got it.
– Dope. – Everyone’s Blessed.
– Sweet. – I am going to hide underneath him. – Cool.
(group groaning) – That seems dangerous.
– Gonna step on you, right? – Yeah, you need to stay safe. The reason that we died
is because you died. – But I have Spirit Guardians, and I have to be within 15 feet. – That’s true.
– I can do a lot of damage. – You guys have a minute left before the watch runs out.
– I’ll head back here with the rest of you guys. – Wait, we’re all on him?
– We’re all on him. – Everyone has crawled onto Kalvaxus. – I’m not.
– You’re not. (Emily laughing) That’s going to be–
– That’s stupid. – So, Sklonda’s there.
– (beeping) I’ll be over here. – So we’re all doing it.
– This is still 15 feet, right, if I’m near his wing?
– Yeah, for sure. – Can anybody use a wand? – Anyone with a little bit
of arcane talent can, yeah. – Can I give it to Gorthalax? – You give it to Gorthalax. He takes it, snaps it in half, presses it flat and has
a little guitar pick. (imitating guitar) And his guitar goes icy blue. – Sick.
– Dope. – Nice, Dad.
– At first, I thought he really (beeping) up, and I was like, that
was a waste of a turn. – We come back in at the
top of the initiative order. The watch tick, tick, tick…
(clock whirring into life) What the (beeping)? And that’s going to be Fig’s turn. – So, I’m doing Reckless Shred, which means he’s gonna have disadvantage on all saving throws against
damage-dealing spells. – Hell yeah.
– Hint, hint, anyone. And then I’m doing Dissonant
Whispers, level four. – Hell yeah, dude.
– Hell yeah, dude. – He gets disadvantage?
– And he has disadvantage. – He fails that saving throw.
– Okay! – Sick.
– So that is three, this is one, three plus… So, 6d6. – Go ahead and roll it. You want some d6?
– Gimme d6. – A d6.
(dice clattering) – There you go.
– 6d6, you got it. (dice rattling) – You already have six, whoa.
– Yeah. Okay, that is… Okay, 12, 18, 19… – 21. – Damn.
– Oh, 22, 22! (Brennan imitating bass guitar) – You shred so hard. He goes, (roaring)! And slams into the wall here.
(loud thudding) He whips at you and deals you 16 points of damage with his tail as he flies away. – Okay.
– That’s going to be Ragh. Ragh stands up.
– Oh, and I wink at… Who needs it?
– I would love it. – I wink at my boy.
– Thank you. (soft dinging) – Ragh goes before me? – Oh, sorry! Yeah, you go first Gorgug.
– Okay. I’m gonna just Reckless Attack, and I get advantage on attack. Can I use this?
– Yeah, definitely. (dice clattering)
– Nice. – Yes, I hit him. And my second attack. – Don’t forget your d4
‘cos you’re Blessed. – Oh, yes! All right, so my second attack is a 17. Does that hit? – A 17 does not hit.
– Okay. – My last attack is a 21. – 21 hits.
– So, two, hit him for 12. Ooh, and then 19.
– Jesus. – Hell yeah.
– 12 and 19? – Yeah.
– 31! – I’m gonna need everybody on… I’m gonna need Kristen,
Sklonda, Gorgug, Riz, Fabian, to all make dexterity saving throws. – Great.
– Is this a spell? – Really smart idea.
– Nat one! – Add your bless.
– Yeah. – Of course.
– Nat one. – Nat one with a four bless. – I got a 18. – A 26. – I got a 14. – 14. What’d you get?
– 18. – What’d you get?
– 26. – You could add your Bardic Inspiration. – I could. – Oh, I could add a bless, right? – Bless, yeah, you can add Bless. – [Brian] I feel like
I don’t wanna use it. – I got 20.
– I’d rather get knocked down. – 20.
– I got 14. – 14. Gorgug, Riz… – Oh, god.
– (beeping) – Bam, bam. Jawbone gets spit out,
(imitating spitting). Fabian hangs on.
– Hell yes! – Good for you, Fabian. That was a bad idea all around. I’m happy to have fallen off. – You guys each take 2d6 plus eight. You guys take 12 damage each, halved for you to six. Kristen, you also take
that same amount of damage. You go prone. Sklonda is fine.
– Hell yeah, Sklonda. – And that’s going to be Ragh’s turn. (Brennan whooshing) Ragh runs and goes, I don’t know what the
(beeping) is happening. Everything looks different
from before I’ve dropped, but circling back, I am gay. I am proud of it now.
– That was so long ago– – Stab it in the (beeping), dude! (Brennan whooping) – He does swing and connects directly with a slit in the crotch of– (cast groaning) – Bam! Kalvaxus goes argh, you found it! (cast laughing) – Can I quickly turn into Dayne and be like, that was awesome, dude. – Kiss him!
– You see Ragh goes, what the (beeping)? Sees Dayne’s dead body and says, that’s not nice!
– (laughing) Okay, sorry. I was trying to make you feel good. I turn back. – That is going to now
be Riz, that’s your turn. – Dope. Okay, I get up.
– Half your movement. – Great, great, this is good. I think I’m over there, yeah. Cool. So, I am going to… (Brian burbling) I’m gonna first shoot at him.
– Cool. – I don’t know what dice to use because I’m doing a bad
job with all of ’em. Awesome, that’s a lot. 27 to hit.
– That’s a hit. – Hell yeah.
– Cool. 4d6 and then my weapon damage. (dice rattling) Oh, that’s not great. Uh, one, two, four, nine, 14, 20, plus Fury of the Small for another eight. – 28.
– 28. – You raise your gun up. One of your father’s
bullets, (imitating gunshot) tears one of Kalvaxus’s eyes out. – (beeping) hell yeah, dude. (Brennan groaning) – What trickery is this? You see Arthur Aguefort says, the trickery of a wizard’s watch, (choking and grunting) Mr. Gibbons, I’m sorry, I had to kill you! – And then I’m gonna take a bonus action. Oh, maybe I don’t wanna use that. I guess I’ll just try to hide. He’s gonna (beeping) with
me, I’m sure, but I’ll hide. – Cool. That’s going to be Jawbone, who takes a full run, gets to about here. (Brennan snarling) That’s going to be Sklonda. You see that Sklonda starts firing shots around Kalvaxus’s head to distract him. You see she looks down at you and goes, covering fire, kiddo! Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam!
(gunshots firing) You have advantage on attack rolls. – Dope.
– Sick. – Fabian, that’s you.
– I’d like to action surge and attack him four times.
(Brennan laughing) – Hell yeah, dude!
– Yeah. – And then, can I also, (laughing) can I do something elaborate,
or showy kind of jumping? – Please make an athletics check for me. – Great. – Is it acrobatics or athletics? – 19!
– 19. – Sick.
– Plus, yeah. – You wanna roll to see if you crit? – Let’s see if I crit. – That is a crit, right? – No, only for attacks. – Wasn’t that a one? Did you just roll a one?
– It was a seven. – Oh, okay. ‘Cos isn’t that a crit for you? – Oh, yeah. – What do you do? – Oh, I think it’s a lot of, like, running off the wings, falling back, stabbing, then coming back, just doing cool– – Please make four attack rolls. Go ahead and roll 4d20 at the same time. – Oh wow, okay. – And I’ll just tell you right now, this AC is 19.
– Great. (dice clattering)
– Remember you’re Blessed. – Oh, and I’m Blessed. – And add a Bless to all of them, just roll that once, okay? – Oh, hell yeah, dude, four. – So, we’ll add the four to the– So that’s nine plus eight?
– 17. – 17, that doesn’t work. – Oh, you add that Bless to all of them. – You can add four to all of them. – Oh, the same four? So, four, so 14 plus eight. – 22. – That’s enough. 17 plus four, 21.
– That’s gonna do it. – That’s enough, and
17 plus, that is also. So, three.
– So, three. – Three.
– Hell yeah. – Yeah, do your damage, man. – Great. 11. 13. 11 again, so… – Fabian, (beeping). Pow, pow, pow, pow!
(pirate sea shanty music) He bats at you with a
wing, you run off the wing, bicycle kick, stab him
in the (beeping) head. Grab off of his fangs, whip around to (beeping) kick him
in the other good eye. You literally, to descend to the ground, you just slice your saber in there, and (whooshing) slide down him, slitting open his scaly chest. There’s a huge seam in it. – And of course I’d like
to land on the Hangman. (motorcycle revving) – And of course you (beeping) do. And the Hangman peels away.
– Great. – That is going to be, (humming). – Do you wanna maybe not be right next to me?
– Oh, yeah. Where do you wanna go?
– Um, yeah. – Over here?
– We should be spread out. – Yeah, that feels right.
– Cool. That’s gonna be Adaine. – Hm, interesting. – Did you re-roll your daily?
– Yeah. I got a nine and an eight, which is not super-useful. – You could give those to their rolls. – To him, yeah, would be good. – He’s got disadvantage on saving throws, against–
– Yeah, I am going to just– – Damage spells.
– Cast Lightning Bolt on him. – Hell yeah, roll damage. – Don’t I have to roll to…
– No. ‘Cos he has a saving throw. He’s gonna use one of his
legendary resistances, though, to take half damage.
– Oh, okay. (dice rattling) – Also, because it’s within 24 hours, none of you have to
roll for dragon fright. – Great.
– Dope. – Hell yeah. – Uh, 10. And nine, 19, so nine damage. – Nine damage?
(fizzing electricity) Lightning Bolt fires off across his face. He’s looking messed up, gang. That is going to be Kristen.
– All right. Can I use my movement
to jump into his mouth and get as far down his throat as I can? – Kristen.
– Kristen! – Yes, you can.
– All right, I do that. I disappear. I’m just like, I have lubed myself up. I’m sliding down his throat and I cast Spirit Guardians. So, every time it becomes his turn in-between each of our
turns, he has to roll. – Go ahead and make an
athletics check for me? – Cool.
(dice clattering) Hell yeah, a 16? (Brennan laughing) – You guys see Kristen. Is it the philosophers still,
or is it something new now? – Is it just the word yes? (overlapping chatter) – It’s the big, Buzzfeed LOL yes. – You see just a bunch
of yes, yes, yes, yes! Kristen leaps. Kalvaxus goes, why? How did you– (groaning) And you scramble down his throat. You see the giant burning
interior of his fiery center and you see wow, yes, cool, right on! (bubbles popping)
Rad, that’s it! – Oh, no!
– Pow, pow, pow! – The other ones were so much better. Can there be a couple remaining
philosophers in there? – Sure.
– They’re annoyed, and we bond over that. – You see that a bunch of the philosophers appear in a little (bubbling) that says, 15 best philosophy quotes
you’ve never heard about. – No, no!
(cast laughing) – This is the god you made!
(cast laughing) – I was under pressure, okay! (Brennan laughing) Oh, no, I made an internet god. – You see that will happen on his turn. Aguefort lifts up in the
air with telekinesis, flies across the room and
smashes himself into here and falls to the ground.
(Lou laughing) Bam! Goldenhoard.
– Hell yeah. – Is going to hit.
(dice clattering) – Oh, Ragh! – No, he’s going to… – Jawbone.
– 11… He deals 26 damage to
Adaine with his tail. – Oh, (beeping).
(Brennan whooshing) – It doesn’t make any
difference with Shield? – Not particularly, no.
– Okay, great. – Oh, god.
– Well, thank goodness. – Does he roll for my guardians
at the top of his turn? – At the top of his turn, he does, yes. He makes the saving throw, so you can roll and tell me,
and he’ll take half damage. (dice clattering) – I rolled it as a fourth level, so just so you know.
– Hell yeah. – Eight, eight, six, one. That’s 17 plus six, is 23. So he takes 11. – He takes 11, cool. You see he’s going to, (humming). – God.
– (beeping). – Um, yeah. I’m gonna need Fig and Riz to
roll dexterity saving throws. – Can I attempt to cast a
counter-spell on that spell? – It is not a spell, it
is his breath weapon. Not magic.
– Okay, good. – And that’s, yep. – Oh, I have disadvantage, I think. – Yep, you do. – Oh, I got a nat 20! But I can’t use it, so I got a… But I still got a 19.
– Hell yeah. – A 19 and a 20? – Well, I got a 17, or I got a– – [Ally] What does he
have disadvantage on? – 15 plus four. – Frost. – No, what does he have disadvantage on– – Spells.
– From your thing? – It’s ‘cos I do a Barbarian thing. – You have a nine or a ten right now? – Yeah, what do you need?
– I am so worried that I’m gonna roll so bad.
– No, you are not! You are gonna roll so good. – If I had a 10, I would
have an 18 plus Bless, plus Bardic Inspiration, and I would almost definitely pass, and I might rather take that. – I don’t, I have an eight and a nine. – Oh, okay. All right, whatever, I guess I’ll– – You could take the nine.
– Yeah, the nine might. Nine, if you have Bless.
– Nine, 17… – Oh, I forgot to add Bless. – [Brian] Bless and Bardic Inspiration. – So technically I have 23. – Your call, Riz. What do you wanna do?
– Okay. – You’ve been rolling like (beeping). – Could you give me a nine?
– It’s yours, man. – Cool, I’ll take the nine.
– Go ahead and roll Bless. – Two.
– You save. – Oh, great, thank god. – Oh, Jesus.
– Is this fire? – This is fire, so it’s
gonna be, even halved, 12, 18, 19, 28… 36. 46. 56. You take 33 points of fire damage. – But then do I half–
– No, that’s halved. – But don’t I quarter it because I’m… – You failed your save. – No, I got 23.
– She’s resistant. – Oh, 23 on your save, sorry, yes. Wait, even with disadvantage?
– Yeah. – Oh, (beeping).
– I got a 15– – Quarter it.
– And then a 20, plus four, plus my bless.
– So you take 15. That’s his turn. Gorthalax casts another spell on him. He uses his last legendary to resist. That is going to, at the
end of Gorthalax’s turn, he whips his tail out.
(dice clattering) He whips his tail out and
grabs Sklonda by the tail. – No, Sklonda!
– Takes her to his mouth, and goes, ah, a familiar taste! This trickery will not be enough, (growling) to save you. That’s going to be Fig.
– With that, does he encounter my Spirit
Guardians again on that turn? – He did already, that was his turn. That already happened.
– Cool. – That’s gonna be Fig. – Okay, I’m gonna try and
cast Polymorph on him. (Brian laughing)
– Okay, cool. This might (beeping) up Kristen. If you turn him into a (beeping) rabbit and Kristen’s in his stomach.
– Okay, you’re right. – You could turn Sklonda into a rabbit and she might fall through her hands, although a rabbit’s–
– Make the call. What are you gonna do? – Okay, I’m not gonna do that then. I guess I’ll try and cast Fear on him. – Cool. – He’s gotta do a wisdom saving throw or drop whatever it is
holding and become frightened. – You see that he–
– I start playing my guitar. (Brennan imitating guitar)
(guitar music) I wanna know his deepest fears. – You see he looks at you. The thing springing from your guitar is a Vice Principal
Goldenhoard in the suit, pulling his pockets out of his pants and a little moth flying out.
(wings buzzing) (Emily laughing)
(Brennan growling) Not enough to fool me! Gorgug, that’s you, baby.
– Oh, wait! Let me at least use a bonus action. I’m gonna use a bonus action to give you some more Bardic Inspiration. (soft ringing)
– Dope, thank you. I’ve been afraid to use it. – I’m going to jump at where Sklonda is, and try to hit him in the
hand to make him drop her. – Awesome. Do an opposed athletics check.
– Okay. With Bless?
– You have to beat a 16. – So, I did on the first one. I’ll see if I, yeah. So, I hit, that was a 22. – He goes to devour Sklonda. (growling) Gorgug leaps up, (imitating sword impact). You grab Sklonda in your arms and leap. – So (beeping) dope.
– Dope. – Balcony with Sklonda.
– That was cool. – Thanks, dude!
– That’s Riz. – Your mom is great.
– You (beeping) rule, man. – She goes, thanks kiddo. (Brennan imitating gunfire)
(bullets firing) – Does Gorthalax notice that? Is he relieved to see Sklonda okay? – He’s very relieved.
(cast laughing) Goldenhoard goes ahead and deals 15 points of damage to Fabian. – Right. – Does he roll for Spirit
Guardians before that? – No, it’s not his turn. He’s taking legendary actions.
– Oh, damn. – Ragh takes a couple swings.
– Yeah, Ragh! – Ragh misses. (Brennan grunting and growling) – I’m just gonna turn Ragh around. Sad to me that he’s just… “Where’s the dragon?” – Goldenhoard hits you, Riz, for 18 points of damage. – Uncanny dodge. I’ll take nine. – He stands over you. (growling) It’s gonna take more
than a ball to kill me, boy. Riz, that’s gonna be your turn. – Dope, so he’s right over me?
– Right over you. – Cool. I would like to use the Sword of Shadows to shoot straight up into the
air over his head, teleport. – He lunges. You, (whooshing) vanish. Your mom provides covering fire. Go ahead and roll with advantage. – Oh, boy, all right. (dice clattering) That is a 24 before Bless. – That hits. – Dope.
– Hell yeah. – Go ahead and roll. And you’re rolling with advantage, yep. – Yep, okay. (dice clattering) (tense music) 11. 13. 17. 18… 24. – Fabian.
(sword slashing) Teen wolfs on the Hangman. Fig shreds on the guitar. Adaine,
(whooshing) lightning crackling from her hand. Gorgug grabs Sklonda at the last minute. (roaring) Leaping to the balcony overhead. Kristen, deep in the bowels of this thing, being frankly burned to death.
– Great. – Kalvaxus lunges at you. (growling) Nothing more than a– (whooshing) Ball? (cast laughing) You feel the wind as you fall
from the top of the gymnasium, the Sword of Shadows in your hand. Dad’s gun at your side.
(wind whooshing) A year ago, your babysitter went missing. This is the person, took her. This is the person that
killed your father. (sword stabbing) Sword sinks deep into
the skull of Kalvaxus. Shadow bursts from his eyes
as his body is rent asunder. The light from the fire erupting from his mouth illuminates Riz, casting his giant shadow
across the entire gymnasium. As shadows flicker out and burst from all around him, (Brennan groaning)
(fire blasting) Kristen is vomited out–
– Yeah, I was gonna say. Someone cut me out! – Gorthalax catches you, wham! In his hand. You all right, kiddo? (Brennan groaning painfully) I had a whole plan!
(fire raging and crackling) I did everything right! The prophecy!
(fleshy splatter) – I would like to eat a bit of his flesh, and I look at him in his one good eye, and I say, I don’t know how
long it’s gonna take me, but I’m gonna eat you, (beeping)! (Brennan laughing) – You see your mom leaps from the thing and she says, kiddo, we’re not gonna need to go shopping tonight.
– Yeah! (Brennan and Brian snarling and chewing) – Let’s eat him!
– Yeah! – Eat our enemies? What have we become? – I’m still full from the sandwiches! – You and your mom devour
the front of Kalvaxus’s head. Kalvaxus, Emperor of the Red Waste, AKA Vice Principal (beeping)
Goldenhoard, is no more. – [Siobhan] (beeping) you, man! You sucked!
– He was a pervert. – [Brian] Oh my god.
(cast laughing) – [Siobhan] And he had a
weird beating stick, gross. – [Brian] Oh, my god. – (beeping). You walk over. You see that Gorthalax– – Can you roll to see
if the police are here? (cast laughing)
– Actually, hold on. Wait a minute.
– Nat 20 now. – Oh my god, Bardic Inspiration! – Go ahead and make the roll with Bardic Inspiration, please. – Oh my god, and Bless, okay.
– And it’s a 12 at this point. (cast laughing) – If I fail this–
– I hope you don’t. – I’m gonna just go home.
– I really hope you don’t. – [Brian] I’m not invited. – I wouldn’t want you to fail this. – I’m not invited. – [Brennan] Go for it.
(dice clattering) – You piece of (beeping).
– I failed. – No.
– Wait, 12. – 12!
– I needed 12 exactly! (cast laughing) Oh, my god.
– Wait, no, this is ten. – Six, ten? (laughing)
– My boy can’t count. You lost.
– Failed again! – Failed it? All right.
– I’m not leaving. I don’t care.
– I like it. It’s better that you failed.
– It’s insane. – We did it without the police. – You don’t need the cops! – You see that Gorthalax looks over, casts his hand out. Arthur Aguefort stands up. You see that Gorthalax
sucks Mr. Gibbons’s soul into his palm. Arthur Aguefort stands up and goes, (gasping) very well. (triumphant music)
All is right again. – You’re just alive?
– Are you alive again? – What is your deal?
– It’s crazy. – What’s my deal?
– Are you alive? – What’s my deal? I’m mother-(beeping) Arthur Aguefort! I am 500 years old. I snuck into heaven and now
I’m back, mother-(beeping). You see (cawing) this
phoenix appears over him. He says, that bird is the last phoenix. I (beeping) that bird. It is my paramour!
– What? – This mother-(beeping)
thought he could poison my tea? Well, you can’t (beeping)
with a wizard, can you? (group agreeing, overlapping) You see he says, Miss Abernant, if you would kindly read
that prophecy one more time, and pay attention to the words carefully. – “When Kalvaxus once again
beholds his glittering treasure, “And seven maidens once more are chained “at the mouth of his lair, “When war befalls the realm, “And a king and queen are
crowned anew in Solace, “Then will the Emperor of the Red Waste “be released from bondage. “His destruction will know no bounds. “The sun shall fall from the heavens, “And the world as we know
it shall perish forever.” – You guys look out the window and you see that Sol, the sun god, just straight up falls out of the sky and slams into the ground, still unconscious and tied up. – Wait, (beeping) wanted this
prophecy to happen, ‘cos you– – You don’t have to want a
prophecy to happen or not happen. It just happens. His destruction knows no bound. The sun’s fall from the heaven, and the world as we knew it has perished. A new guard has been created. – So my power is bull-(beeping)? – Everything in this world is
bull-(beeping), Miss Abernant. But understanding how is the key. – So is the sun just like a yes now? – Maybe. It’s night-time right
now, we’ll find out– – You guys, again.
– Tomorrow morning. I’m really sorry for how
annoying my gods are. They’re still yelling OMG in my head. – Go ahead and roll that
d20 again for me real quick. – 14.
(cast laughing) – Nobody move!
(cast laughing) – Thank god you’re here!
– Oh, my god. – Bunch of cops rush in. All right, nobody move!
– Jesus. – Are any of you clerics? – Huh?
– Are any of you clerics? – Nah, no way. – So you would’ve been no help anyway. – You see he says, oh, you guys
should all be in the prison. – I go up to that guy and
just slap him in the face. – Don’t attack him!
– Hey! See he starts crying and runs out. – Run away, run away. – I slap the other one. – Hey! Runs out.
– I cast Fear on all of them. (Brennan screaming)
(cast laughing) – Guys, I worked really
hard to get these cops here. – Oh, did you, the Ball?
– Yes, I did. – You see Arthur Aguefort
looks around and says, I cannot tell you how
proud I am of you all. I knew when I shot Mr. Gibbons and then shot myself in the head that you would take care of us all. You see he looks over at
Sklonda and is like, (sighing). Going over, she has the
blood running down her mouth, and she says, way to go, kiddo. – We did it, Mom.
– We did it. – We’ve got leftovers for a while. – Did you shake your mother’s hand? – Can I make an insight check?
– Yeah, we shake hands. – On Arthur Aguefort? – Yeah, go for it. – I got a–
(Siobhan laughing) Five.
– A five? (sighing) (beeping) it,
dude, it’s worth asking. – Arthur, um.
(soft choral music) – Professor Aguefort.
– I’m just gonna ask. – Professor Aguefort, are you my dad? – I was about to ask
you the very same thing. – What?
– Moving on. (cast laughing)
You see he says, Miss Applebees, would you be kind enough to Revivify Kalvaxus,
bring him back to life? – Uh, should I?
– No, why? – You hear (squawking) and
a griffin lands outside. Sandra Lynn descends from her griffin, and you see seven young women with broken chains and manacles step off the griffin and
all start sharpening weapons and walking to the mouth of the gym. – Hell yeah.
– Oh, hell yeah. The virgins are gonna kill him! – He says, it just feels right. You sleuths cracked the case, and obviously you had a personal revenge. It’d be nice to give
these young women a shot. – You cut him up, we’ll eat him. – Yeah, uh, okay, yeah. I can Revivify him, and
then I can cast Hold Person and he’ll just have to
stand there getting killed. – You see that Penny rushes over to you and picks you up in a big hug.
– Give her a hug. – You cracked the case, bud!
– We did it! – You guys did it! I’m Penny Luckstone,
nice to meet all of you. I saw you guys in the arcade
when that was happening. – Penny’s great, she was my
friend before I had friends. – Aw, shucks, that’s great.
– If you saw me attacking people in the arcade, I’m not a bad guy, it was just possession. – You got it. Can we grab the gym for, like, a hot 20? – [Ally] Yeah, of course. – Of course.
– We have ice-cream, right? – Can I see Zelda? – You see ice-cream–
(splattering) covers the entire gymnasium.
– Sick! – Just real quick.
– Thank you! – Before we exit the gym, I’d like to cut off that man’s hand. – Oh, yes.
– Oh, Dayne? – You cut off Dayne’s hand.
– Great. And I just, while no-one’s watching, I just pop it into–
– You don’t have an eye. Take his eye!
– The Ball, the Ball… – Take his eye, man! You want me to cut it out for you? – No, the Ball.
– I’ll cut it out! – See, Arthur just says (laughing) yes! Violent deranged lunatics.
(cast laughing) Exactly the thing this
school was meant to produce. There’s only one way to make
a difference in this world, and it is to freak the
(beeping) out all the time, and just (beeping) right up.
– Chaotic good, (beeping). – You see he takes you out of there as ice-cream falls all over you from all. (Brennan imitating ice-cream thudding) You see that you guys leave the gymnasium. Arthur stays behind. You see that Kalvaxus, you (gasping). I’m back, I’ve– You see that Katya
Cleaver, the half-orc girl, sharpens her ax and goes, right, we’re gonna be a minute. See you in a little while. All right, I don’t understand the– Oh, dear. The door closes, and you just
hear a (beeping) ruckus– – Hell yeah. – As the seven maidens… – Us and them are the only good students. Everybody else (beeping) sucks. – Yeah.
– Except for that one guy who really stuck around.
– Yeah, this guy really rules. This guy is so chill. – Make another insight check for me? – 20, nat 20!
– Oh, word! – Nat (beeping) 20. You look over at the orcish band loading up their band equipment. (cast laughing) – You guys need help?
– You see one of them says, oh, thanks man, it got crazy in there. Are they still killing that guy in there? – Uh, again.
– Oh, wow. Hey, yeah, d’you wanna give us a hand? Sure, thank you.
– Um… – You see he looks and
says, oh, by the way. I don’t know if you know any half-orcs around here that are adopted or anything like that. About 14, 15 years ago, I had a human girlfriend here in town and we got pregnant
and we were just young. About 14 years old. – You were… Wow.
– We were young. We (beeping) up. – I…
– You see he says, that’ll happen.
– That’s me, I’m a half-orc. I don’t know, I’m adopted. Am…
(soft piano music) Are you my dad? – He pulls a little thing
and he shows a little picture of Digby and Wilma at
the Thistlespring tree, and him and a very young girlfriend. They’re teenagers. You see that he says, we
moved out to the Dune Fort. We’re both now almost 30, and we thought we’d try
to come back and find you. – Well, uh, I’m here. – You see he looks at you and says, these are your folks, Digby and Wilma? – Yeah.
– He goes– – Those are my other mom and dad. – You see clasps you in a giant hug, goes, was that you shredding on
those drums like a maniac? – Yeah, that was me.
– You see he goes, well, holy (beeping). My name’s Gorbag.
– No way! – Yeah, Gorbag.
– I’m Gorgug! I mean, you know that, right?
– Yeah, yeah. – My name’s Gorgug (mumbling). – You see he whips you into a hug. He’s like, I gotta, uh. You see he gets a little
Facetime on his phone, and you see a woman in her late 20s there, looks over and says, Gorbag, what’s up? He says, Roz, look at this! Look, this is Gorgug! You see you look at each other. You see he says, well, hell. Holy (beeping). I thought maybe you’d know
somebody, but it’s you! – I… (stammering) That’s, I don’t even know what to say. I’ve been looking for you forever. – He says, (sighing). I almost didn’t ask. Honestly, I–
– You’ve gotta ask. I ask everyone if they’re my dad. – You see he’s like,
people make fun of me, ‘cos I’ve asked probably
five or six people today if they were my son.
– If they’re your son? You just gotta keep asking. – Yeah, you just cast a wide net! – I went up, there’s one kid, there was a kid–
– Are you my dad? Sorry, I forgot.
– No, it’s okay. Yeah, there was a kid at
the mall, and I asked. I saw, there was a vulture
that was on a post. Couldn’t hurt to ask.
– I saw a vulture and I almost… It flew away, but.
(Ally laughing) – He looks at you and says, well, I’d love to meet your folks again. It’s been a long time. – Let’s do it.
– Let’s do it! You see he puts his arm around you. You guys walk away. – My girlfriend’s killing him inside. (Brennan laughing)
– Oh, yeah. Zelda rushes out. She gives you a kiss
on the cheek and says, (sighing) this is, um, so stupid. But did you get my playlist?
– I did. (blaring metal music)
– You see she smiles and says, all right, I’m about to freak out, so I have to go.
(ululating battle cry) And she (beeping) just
becomes this dervish of blades and goes in just…
(knives slicing) Slaughtering Kalvaxus back in the gym. You see Gorthalax steps out. Do you guys remember which
one of you killed Dayne? – It was like–
– It was all three. – Yeah, we all took him in a reaction. – It was like a reaction. – And it just took a giant bloodbath. You see Gorthalax, long after the night’s going on, all your parents are there, there’s cop cars everywhere. Arthur Aguefort walks up. You see that the federal agent shows up. She’s like, these kids have got to go. Arthur Aguefort looks at
all the federal agents– – I disguise myself as her.
(Brian laughing) – Arthur Aguefort says,
well, I’m confused. Because you’re saying one thing, but you over here say another. Agent Worrel, should I
arrest the children or no? – I think you should arrest Angela. – He freezes her in a block of ice. (cast laughing) Wild. Any other federal agents
wanna step to Arthur Aguefort on the grounds of his school?
(Emily laughing) That would be my question. Seems like no.
– Okay, unfreeze her. That was me, I’m sorry. I undisguise myself.
– He stops it. You see he just goes, (laughing) well, I handled
this the correct way. (magical whooshing)
All the federal agents go blank and go, everything’s good. Nothing here’s against the law. And they walk away. He goes, (sighing). Adventurers do whatever we want, with no consequence. The Aguefort way! (Ally laughing)
He smiles. You see that there’s a big party. Ice-cream keeps raining from the sky. (ice-cream splattering) And you see that the girls come out after they’ve just gone to town. Kalvaxus is a bloody (beeping) mess. You see that Antiope Jones is there, and Sam Nightingale, Katya Cleaver, Danielle Barkstock, Ostentatia Wallace, Zelda, Penny. They’re all back. – What happened with Zayn? – You guys never figured that out. – I think he’s undead somewhere. – You guys see that Gorthalax walks up, and you see that Aguefort says, would you like to just make sure? And Gorthalax says, well,
better to make sure. (magical whooshing) A little window on the ground, wreathed in flame, shows hell. You see it’s fiery waste there. Gorthalax and Aguefort step through. Gorthalax looks at you and says, you wanna come in for a sec, kid? – To hell?
– To hell, yeah. – Why not?
– You step through. – You see Kalvaxus in hell, gets up. (groaning) Oh, oh no. Things really didn’t go my way. Gorthalax looks and says, hey, you belong here. You belonged here a long time ago. He produces a scroll. He looks over at a forest
on the horizon and says, oh, (beeping), you were
supposed to be here. This is wrong. And he scrubs Gorgug’s
name out of a roster. (Brian laughing)
– Oh. – That’ll happen sometimes. It’s a bureaucracy, we make mistakes. Sorry kiddo, yells at you.
– Oh, good. (cast laughing) – You see that Kalvaxus
stands up and says, (groaning) Okay, I’m here now. I’m in hell. I can make choices– You hear a voice from the shadows. (laughing raucously) (pirate music) Bill Seacaster leaps through the air, lands on Kalvaxus’s back, (splattering)
puts a sword into his spine, and splits him like a fish down his spine. – Oh, Papa!
– Comes over and says, I watched the whole thing, lad! The legend lives on!
– Big hug. – He claps you. You see he goes, all
right lads, get to work! (beeping) Zombified, flaming pirates. All of Bill’s crew that has died comes rushing out of the fire, and prize Kalvaxus apart from his back. (beeping) He goes, no, no, no,
I’m still alive somehow! Please don’t do this! You see he says, all right
lads, get it started! Main mast in the middle, the deck on top. You know how to do it. And you see they–
– Papa. Are you turning this man into a ship? – He dared to hurt my darling boy. – Papa!
– And besides. I do need a vessel to
scour the nine hells. To pillage and raid from the
realms of these devil princes! And to finally take the throne
of the ninth pit for myself. – Oh, Papa! Well, you let me know
when you’ve done that. I’ll have to come visit. – We’ll put out a spread for you. It’ll be delightful.
– I can’t wait! – I doubt Cathilda will end up here. But if she does, I’ll make
sure she gets the kippers. – Kippers, yes, okay, perfect!
(Brennan laughing) – You see he says, my boy. I love you more than the sun and the moon. He goes, and you’re in good hands now. I’ve taught you everything I can. It’s about time you started learning
from your mother anyway. – What? – Oh, your mother’s the greatest
fencer that’s ever lived. – (laughing) Papa! You kid. – Why the hell d’you think I married her? You think I would just marry
someone for their looks? You can bed someone for their looks. Your mother cut my eye out of my head, and I dropped to one knee on the spot. – Well, Papa, then I must. This has been fun, but I must go. – My boy, you have a whole life to lead, and a legend to write. (kissing) I love you.
– Yeah, I love you. – Spread that dragon’s wings wide! (crunching)
You see they’ve just built a (beeping) ship. Kalvaxus is like, this seems
highly irregular! (gagging) And they bind his mouth, stretch it open. He’s like, pull on that tendon! (fire roaring)
Fire shoots out of the mouth. He says, set sail for the nine hells, to kill the devil! Bye, Fabian!
– Bye, Papa! – The ship takes off
into the skies of hell, flapping its wings, and this hellish crew
of pirates flies away. – That’s my father.
– That’s a lot to live up to. But…
– I’ll do it easily. (cast laughing)
Very easily. – That’s my boy! You guys walk back through
the burning portal. And we’re gonna run a little epilogue now. – Wait, can I ask? I need to ask Aguefort something. – Yeah, go on. – Aguefort, everyone’s gone
through huge transformations and had these wonderful things. I mean, Riz avenged his dad. Kristen Applebees created her own god. I mean, Fabian made peace with his dad. All these wonderful things. I have the climax of my story that I need. – Young girl, absolutely. – Will you make Gilear the vice principal? (Brian cackling) – Young lady, I have no idea who that is. (cast laughing)
(Ally clapping) And I’m telling you right now. Yes.
(cast laughing) I will make whoever that person is the vice principal. – He’s currently the Lunch Lad. You’ll meet him soon.
– The Lunch Lad? – Yeah.
– How festive! He shall be my vice principal. To the ending of the world! – Thank you so much.
– Literally. – Can I cast Locate
Person on Zayn Darkshadow? (whooshing)
I feel really bad that we never found him. – You guys head over to
Cravencroft Cemetery. After the celebration,
your parents are all there. You see the little grave thing. Edgar pops out of your thing, (rat squeaking)
rushes over to a grave. You see on a hilltop in the night, suddenly, a flash, and
you see a velocipede. A penny farthing bicycle, huge bicycle. – Oh, it’s awesome.
– You suddenly hear– (groaning)
(bicycle squeaking) And it crashes. You hear, argh! Oh, no. Ah, not again! In my anus this time.
(Siobhan laughing) You see Sylvester the
undertaker has crashed on his–
– Why have we come here? – You see Edgar runs off to the grave. You see the little gray
pearl in your hand, and you hear sobbing, and you see a ghostly Zayn
Darkshadow at his grave, translucent, weeping.
(echoing crying) – Zayn.
– Hey, Zayn. – I’m so happy. – Oh, that makes sense.
– No, wait. Why, how are you happy?
– You’re a ghost, man. You’re the ultimate goth.
– Zayn stands up. You see that he takes his
ghostly little patch off and he takes his little fishnets off, ‘cos he doesn’t need them any more. He’s a (beeping) ghost. And you see there’s actually a quite beautiful,
reedy elven wizard here. You see he wipes his eyes and he goes, I’m so sorry about the book. Coach was paying for my apartment and I, my parents suck. I didn’t have any family.
– Yeah, yeah, yeah. – Mine too.
– Yeah. – My parents really suck. – They do?
– Mm-hm. They just went back to Fallinel, I think. They didn’t even tell me. – My parents were elven (beeping) too. – What is up with that?
– I don’t know. It’s like a weird cultural
thing, I don’t know. – You guys have so much in common. I’m just gonna walk this way, actually. – I don’t need a ghost boyfriend. – Are you sure? – I mean, you were really
pushing to come find him, and now we did–
– I just wanted to– – And I just wanna give you your– – Are you okay? – Yeah, I’m okay. – Ooh, I’m gonna go.
– Coach is bad, he was a stooge. It sounds like you guys solved everything. – Pretty much.
– You see he says, I don’t mean this in a (beeping) way, but if you ever did wanna just come and… I don’t have my spell-books
here at the cemetery, but if you ever wanted to just hang out and do magic together, that’d be awesome. – Yeah, cool. It’d be cool, but–
– Sounds like a date to me. – I’m gonna go. – I cast Ray of Sickness on Kristen. (Ally retching)
(cast laughing) – You see Zayn goes like, whatever, it’s whatever. Don’t even, they’re
just busting your chops. – I’m gonna (retching) go. – Cool, I’ll see you guys later. You guys leave from Cravencroft. – I wanna hang my dad’s
bandolier over his grave. – You hang your bandolier over his grave. – And I tell him that I ate the dragon. Or I will. I have leftovers.
(Brennan laughing) – You feel so happy in this moment. A couple things that I’m
just gonna go through in an epilogue real quick. Bill Seacaster’s funeral. Your mother is there. Peacoat, sweatpants,
huge bags under her eyes, cup of coffee in her
hand, kind of shaking. She goes, (sighing). Tomorrow, we’re going
to start training you how to actually sword-fight.
– Oh, I can’t wait. – Thank you for saying what you said. God, I haven’t been sober in 15 years. – Looks good on you, Mama, truly. – At Bill Seacaster’s funeral, the roof of the church rips off, (crashing) and you see a giant
tornado full of gold coins. (wind whooshing)
(cast laughing) – Oh, hello! (Brennan imitating tornado)
(coins rattling) – Yes, I have. (Brennan imitating tornado)
No, never! (Brennan imitating tornado) (Lou laughing uproariously) Yes! – It tears off. – I didn’t know you spoke Tornado. – I do! – Adaine, you get so
many offers from Hudol. You get an offer from the
Oracle Academy in Fallinel. And you decline them all. – What if I just went?
(cast laughing) I don’t need to go to the Oracle Academy. I am the Oracle. – You’re living with Jawbone and Tracker. Kristen, Tracker is helping you spread the gospel of Yes! to people. – She’s helping me spread something. (cast laughing) – Gorgug, you end your days
sitting on the bleachers, sharing headphones with Zelda.
– Cute. – Everyone knows you at
school and says, hey Gorgug! What’s up, man?
– Not much! (cast laughing) – Fabian, you’re the
absolute king of the school. After Dayne’s death, you’re the undisputed
captain of the Owlbears. – It’s about time.
(Brennan laughing) – Fig, your band, which needs a name, is (beeping) shredding. It was a great dinner
with the Thistlesprings, meeting your biological mom and dad. – Aww. – Your mom and dad join the band, and it’s Gorthalax, you two, them. You guys (beeping) shred.
– Hell yeah! – Riz, your mom comes to you, throws you a stack of business cards in Fabian’s calligraphy. She says, they made an exception. Here’s your license. Tosses the license to you.
– Oh my god. – Arthur Aguefort comes to you guys on the last day of school. Sklonda and Gorthalax end up together. Hallariel says, at the funeral, (sighing) I don’t think I’ll ever see another man like Bill again. She looks over. You see Gilear says,
I spilled some sauce– – No, Mama, no.
(cast laughing) – She says–
– Mama! – Yes, yes!
– He looks over and says, I am Vice Principal of the Aguefort– She says, Vice Principal? – Can I pull my mother aside real quick? Mama, I will kill this man.
(Brennan laughing) I will happily kill this man.
– I will kill you first. Not up to you.
– Oh, Mama. – You see that Sandralynn
ends up with Jawbone. – She always did love a bad boy, I guess. (Ally laughing) – And at the very last day of school, you see that Arthur
Aguefort comes up and says, I couldn’t be more proud of you all. Did you remember to lock
my office when you left? (intense, fantastical music) – I kicked the door down.
– We did break the door. – Because the Nightmare
King’s crown is missing. (Emily laughing)
– Oh, no! – Are you busy on your summer vacation? – Ah, yes.
– With what? – There’s a girl–
– I’m not busy at all. – Who’s currently held
by the state in Fallinel, and I’ve business to take care of. And that is all for this
final episode of Fantasy High. Thanks for tuning in!
(Ally groaning) (cast cheering and applauding) Well, well, well. What an exciting year at the
Aguefort Adventuring Academy! We defeated Kalvaxus, a new god was born, and I killed myself! (laughing) All in a year’s work. But what of our intrepid heroes? What exciting new adventures
lay on the horizon for them? – [Siobhan] After turning
down truly so many offers from prestigious elven whatevers, I, Adaine, instead study
divinatory practices from all of Spire’s many cultures, and gladly stay on at Aguefort, a proud practical caster. I also live with Jawbone and Tracker. – [Ally] Oh, really,
you live with Tracker? Huh, cool. Maybe I can come visit sometime. – [Siobhan] Until I can
emancipate myself for junior year. Oh, and in my capacity as elven oracle, I help re-enroll Zayn
Darkshadow at Aguefort as its first ghost student. – [Emily] I bet he gets
to eat ghost steak! – [Siobhan] Naturally! I also help free Basrar
from his ice-cream curse, and my senior thesis, a new spell entitled Basrar’s
Spontaneous Confection, is very well-received. – [Brian] She also joins
the AV club along with me, and we totally fix it up.
– Yes, much more inclusive! – [Brian] Plus Shellford’s
getting help from Jawbone now, which is great.
– Oh, good for him! I wonder if he and Skrank would
help me research my jacket. You know, there’s an entire civilization
of people in here that– – [Brian] As Elmville’s
youngest licensed investigator, I’m hot on the case of who took
the Nightmare King’s crown. Probably one of the faculty. – [Emily] (coughing) Porter! (coughing) – [Brian] Probably not. But I also get to hang
out with Penny again, which is rad. She and the other maidens formed their own adventuring party. They’re total bad-(beeping). – [Lou] Come now, the Ball. They’re our rivals. – [Ally] Into it. – [Brian] Sure, but
it’s a very chill sitch, and you know, people
still call me the Ball, which I’m fine with. It’s just friends having fun with friends. It’s not bullying. – [Zac] I think having a nickname is nice! I wish I had one. – [Lou] I’m sorry, excuse me, excuse me. Is the Ball not your real name? – [Emily] I’ll give you a real name. Fig and the Sig Figs! That’s the name of our
rockin’ bass-led band. We’ve got shows at the
Black Pit, the Doom Fort, and we’re headlining the Blood War on Bastion City, June 15th! We’re really good, too. Gorgug’s our drummer
and he can shred, man! – [Zac] I can? Ah, thanks! Wow, I’m a shredder. – [Ally] I spend a lot
of time out on missions spreading the gospel of Yes! I have some doubts about
my god, but that’s okay! Doubt can be good. And Tracker is helping me figure out this whole prophet of a new deity thing, and she’s so great at (laughing)… Listening. Anyway, who says you have to fully believe in order to believe, you know? – [Zac] As for me, I mostly just hang out. I’ve got all these friends now. Guess that tin flower worked, huh? Zelda is so great, and she and
I practice Barbarian stuff. – [Emily] I do too! – Fig, go to bard class!
– Eh, not interested. – [Zac] Ragh actually
practices with us too. We ended up becoming really good friends. – [Ally] He and Shellford
are helping me start up the LGBT Student Union. We’re having a singalong
and a scrapbooking party. It’s gonna be great! – [Zac] That’s awesome! I talk on the crystal with
Roz and Gorbag all the time, which is great! But home is where the tree is, and at the end of the day, doesn’t take a nat 20 to tell you that Wilma’s my mom, and Digby’s my dad. – [Lou] And I, Fabian Aramais Seacaster, (cast groaning) – [Emily] Here we go. – [Lou] I said, Fabian Aramais Seacaster, mount a daring rescue
attempt to free my love, Aelwyn Abernant. – [Siobhan] My (beeping) sister? Don’t you (beeping) dare! – [Lou] From captivity! I inherit my father’s blood feuds, train with my mother, the greatest swordswoman who ever lived, and the Hangman and I start assembling a crew
for this expedition. The tornado’s a good place to start. Maybe the Cubbys. Maybe Porter. – [Brennan] Children,
as your vice principal– – Gilear!
– Yes, daughter, it is I. I must once again inform you all that you are indeed late for class. I have neither the power
nor the emotional fortitude to make you do as you should, so please, I beg of you, heed this extremely reasonable request. – [Emily] You got it, Gilear. (group chatter overlapping) – [Brennan] Fair winds, and safe travels. (laughing) Well, guys, that’s it for today’s chapter of Dimension 20, but what is that?
(upbeat music) An archer, looking at me through the– (groaning) (gasping) A scroll attached to the arrow. Brigand, there are more full episodes of Dimension 20 available right now on Dropout.tv. Hopefully, your viewers will be less fool than you and sign up for their free trial today. You must succeed where I
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